First of all, I wish I could go into detail everything, but I just can’t.  Most of ya’ll know Mason went to go get her speech evaluation.   Her results came back a few weeks, and it’s a severe disfluency.  I didn’t believe the “severe” part until I finally heard her block completely.  It tore my heart apart.  As a parent with the same “disability”, it tears at your heart strings.   She even has the “quirks” I have.  She changes her words, or doesn’t answer.

The feeling of guilt is there.  I won’t lie to you.  She blocks, changes her words to not stutter, or doesn’t answer at all.  Her chances of growing of it are slim to none.  1) for the fact of it’s hereditary at least 5 people in my family stutter, and 2) her family support is not there.  (that’s ANOTHER story I’m not willing to go into)  Some of ya’ll know I’m going through a HORRIBLE custody battle.  Most of ya’ll don’t, so that’s why I don’t want to go there.  The fact she has the little “quirks” of a stutterer, also gives me the idea she won’t grow out of it.

I will say I’m a PROUD parent of a stutterer as well.  We have a bond that no one can ever break.  I’ll be there for her, and yes I will push her when she gets uncomfortable.  She will need it, but she can always be frustrated and come to me in the end.

this is something I was dreading since she was a little girl.  I will look at this as a blessing in disguise, and know I have another battle of acceptance of stuttering.  Not my own anymore, my daughters…..

I am just sad I can’t make it to the NSA conference this year. It runs so close to what is happening personal wise, I just can’t make it. Next year, if I’m not there, you can all find me and make me go. I will try so hard in the next week to post a video. When I update again…..

I am in the middle of a divorce right now.  First you are asking, how are your kids?  My kids are wonderful.  They live with me, and are in daycare during the day.  I work at a national drugchain right now.  Things are looking up in many ways in my life.

Second question you may have, how is your speech?  I have my good days, and I have my not so good days.  Now that I work, my not so good days come out more often now.  I’ve had some bad days lately.  It’s making me take another step in acceptance of my stutter.  I believe even though you accepted it, you will get pushed back to that time where you didn’t.  You just have to believe in yourself, and just get through it.  It’s great when your co-workers do believe in you.  It’s also great when you have the support you never had before.

I will not go in details about my divorce, because this is not the blog for it.  It is a really rough time, and shockingly my speech hasn’t been dramatically affect by it.  At work, yes I have my moments.  It’s because I speak in front of people, and that’s nerve wracking enough for me.   When I have to answer the phone, don’t get me started on that.  ahhh, my heart is racing just thinking about it.

I will try to post updates way more often now.  I should be doing a podcast with Pam Mertz on “Women Who Stutter” sometime soon.  I’m just busy the next 2 weeks.  But hopefully soon.

Thanks for still reading the blog.  I’m sorry I left it abandoned.  I didn’t have a way to post.  Sorry…..

On December 29, 1996, we were on our way to visit my PawPaw Red at the hospital.  He was very sick for pretty much that whole entire year.  Well I don’t know exactly what his illness was, because I was never told.  If any of my relatives does read this, please let me know.  So on with the story, sorry.  On the way there, I just knew this may be one of the last times I would see him.  I was picturing his funeral, crying in the backseat.  It was horrible.  When we got there, I saw he was ok, and begging for some tasteful food.  He was put on a bland diet b/c of the stroke he had the previous night.  They thought it was a heart condition.  We saw the light up Santa Claus at the hospital, it was in view from his room.  The very last memory I have him was looking at me with those beautiful dark blue eyes.  He was talking about getting out of the hospital and cooking his sauce piquante, and wanting my mom’s lemon meringue pie.  Then we left, not knowing this was the last time I would ever see him as my pawpaw.   We decided not to go on the 30th for some reason.  We were gonna go spend NYE with him, and ring in the New Year with him.

December 31, 1996.

Well, I remember my mom getting a call, and we were rushed to my other mawmaw’s house so she can watch us.  I wish I could erase this from my memory I really do.  I remember my dad coming into the house, and kneeling by me telling me “your pawpaw passed away”.  This was the first person I ever truly lost in my life.

I miss the calls every night “what’s for supper?”, the duct tape fascination he had tha the passed down to his youngest son, and just everything about him. I look at him everyday in my son.  He looks just like him, and oh my he would be so spoiled.

I expect the day the Lord calls me up, I expect him to be there with open arms and say “what’s for supper?”

So what does this have to do with stuttering? Well this is the PawPaw that stuttered and had other speech impediments.  So, he would be the only person who would truly understand how it is to be an adult with this, that I can relate to.  Its hard this year, since I have come to terms with my stuttering, and knowing i will never be cured.  It would be nice to talk to someone who I always looked up to, and just share a conversation about this.

Yet I have some more things to accept with stuttering, but I’m at this point in my life is “if you don’t like the fact I stutter, well F off”.  Yea pretty much.  It’s me, and tough poo.  If you want to pick on me for the fact it takes me a little while to get my point across, go back to elementary school and grow up.

I just hope he is looking down at me smiling, and happy I’m doing this for myself and people like him to understand we are normal people.  It may take us some extra time to get to the point, but we are just as intelligent as the next person.

I hope everyone has a great New Year, because 2010 is gonna be great.

p.s.  sorry for the lack of Vlogs, just been lazy lol!!!  blame it on farmville, mafia wars, and fishville.  NO really…

p.s.s.  I have updated the other two blogs…and will continuously update them

http://danistuttermom101.wordpress.com

http://danistuttermomlife.wordpress.com

1.  That a touchscreen phone can be broken by a 1 yr old little boy.

Let me reflect on that one.  I had a Samsung Instinct m800 (which in other words is  POS, do NOT get), and he threw it and he messed up the calibration.  Well I had it looked at after my blackberry near drowning *will explain*, and just one part of the screen doens’t work.  It’s easily fixable, but I’m all touchscreened out. so if anyone wants it, I’ll be willing to sell it for a cheap cheap price.

2.  Even tho your cat seems evil, he does a sweet side to him after he gets older.  Granted the cat still has an evil streak, but he has calmed down.

3.  Boys and Girls are from two different planets!!!

4.  Kids can not be broken, but they can get big gashes in the back of their head.  JJ had to have staples in his head on Halloween.  He was playing, tripped, yea rest is history.

5.  I love love rivalry week for college football.  LSU needs the “boot” back!!!

6.  when your children 1 and 3, christmas can still stay cheap.  Enjoy it and spend 100 on each child.  In a few years, that might multiply by 4! they will not hold it over your head that you did not buy them this.  They are 3, and won’t remember much.

7.  do NOT whatsoever touch your blackberry with wet hands!!  I just got the blackberry a month ago, but bout 2 weeks ago, I touched it with wet hands.  and well, my keyboard froze and it acted up.  so word to the wise.

Well that’s all I can think of as of right now. 

I will be doing better with this blog.  I will keep only this blog, and delete the other two.  Just I don’t do anything anymore mostly.  So this will be a journal about my life, kids, and of course the stuttering aspect of my life.

The kids are wonderful.  JJ is starting to “thank you”, and that’s about it.  The boy has learned some manners.  Mason is good also.  She is in dancing, and we are able to go in there and watch this week.    I’m so excited.  Dancing was a HUGE part of my life all together.  I will try to update this more.

My self confidence is not all there, so that’s why I don’t post videos right now.  I’m just in a funk, I’m ok.  nothing to worry about.  It’s a girl thing, lets say that.

I just wanted to give an update!!!

This isn’t about stuttering, and I’m sorry I have been slacking on things….

Last night, I was thinking this “I was sitting around watching  TV, going outside, and waiting for Hurricane Gustav to come”, and yet I didn’t know what was going to happen that next day or well week I must say.  We have been through so many hurricanes in the past, this was maybe a lights out for a day kind of hurricane like we are used to.  NOT so much.

I remember watching TV, and I said “well I got to start making lunch before the power turns out”, and right after that.  Poof lights went out.  Well, we watched the hurricane outside Mason’s window.  Granted remember I was 9 months pregnant at the time, hubby out of job, and no reliable car.  We waited at a few hours to see if the power comes back on.  Well, no go.  We listened to our little radio we got two days before.  We heard about the devastation around the town.  We also heard about a grocery store that charged 21.00 bucks for a 6 pk of coke and 2 candy bars.

We waited a few more days til the power came on.  nope, nope, nope.  But 6 days later, we got power.  :D  We learned to talk to each other, and spend the last week of just mason with just her.  That was so nice.  No other distractions but paying attention to her.

So this was a blessing in disguise.  I have more, but my kids are driving me bonkers!!!!

I will be doing blogs and videos regarding their episodes.  I will not affliated with StutterTalk in anyway.  I will be giving my 2 cents to each episode pretty much.  Some with just be blogs, and some will be videos included to it.  So pretty much, it will be a response to each episode.  Yes I know there over 180 episodes as of right now, so I better get to working on it!

Thanks StutterTalk for letting me do this.    So bookmark this website!!!

and check out my reality tv, and life blog.  http://danistuttermomlife.wordpress.com

I won’t update my YT for another few weeks.  I just have no ideas anymore.  I’d rather write than speak right now.  My speech is fine, but I just don’t have time to do videos really.    I’m deleting all my other channels, and sticking to one.  It’s just too much trouble for me.